Kiwi's love our Aussie jokes, but its not until you live in Aussie, that you notice that not only do they steal our Rock Stars, Movie Stars & anything that's successful on the world stage they also steal our jokes

Aussie Joke of the Week

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? Bloody big holes all over australia. 

Prevous Aussie Jokes of the Weeks

What's the difference between identical twins and Australians?Identical twins you cannot tell them apart...Australians you cannot tell them anything.  

What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual.

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Aussie Navy

There were two old Aussie guys, Abe and Colin, watching the Ashes and talking about cricket. Abe turns to Colin and says: "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?"

Colin thinks about it for a minute and replies: "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal. "If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me if there is cricket in heaven." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Colin watching the cricket on telly by himself when he hears a voice whisper: " Colin... Colin...."

He responds: "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Colin," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Colin, still amazed, asks: "So, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well," Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Colin.

Abe says: "Well ... there is cricket in heaven."

Colin says: "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers: "You're opening the bowling on Friday."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an Wallabies rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing All Blacks rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Aussie fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?" 

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

Kiwis ARE smarter than Aussies

Two business men in Melbourne are sitting in their soon to be new store. As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to the other "I bet any minute now a Kiwi is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we are selling"  No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious New Zealander walks to the window, has a peak and asks, What are ya selling here boys?" One of the men (being a smart ass) replies "Oh we're selling assholes here." Without skipping a beat the Kiwi says "Well I see you're doing

really well, you've only got two left!"

An Aussie Love Story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bickies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bickies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................

"F#ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

An Englishman wanted to transform himself into an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how he could achieve this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong, but I will need to remove half your brain". "Yeah, that's OK" said the Englishman. "All my life I've wanted to be Irish so I'm prepared to take the risk."
The operation went ahead and sometime later the Englishman awoke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm terribly sorry!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out." The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

Picture of a truck or camper van in London

Biggest Aussie joke ever - The Wallabies!!!