An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

“Fer fuck’s sake!” the bloke cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke’s spanking himself in the bar!”

“Fair go, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep.”

“Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Jono Gibbs — Chiefs)

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Rodney So’ialo, Hurricanes on University)

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” (Colin Cooper — Hurricanes head coach)

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the pyramids during his visit to Egypt: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on night rugby vs day games: “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

David Nucifora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you … Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘David, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ ”

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

“Andy Ellis, the 21-year-old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.”(Murray Mexted)

“Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” (Ma Nonu)

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds totally against the run of play.” ( Murray Mexted)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Jerry Collins)

“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” (Tony Brown)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Tana Umaga)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby, but none of them serious.” (Doc Mayhew)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Anton Oliver)

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better.” ( Murray Mexted)

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” Tana Umaga: “On what?”

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” (Murray Mexted)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” (Murray Mexted)

Robbie Deans